Malcolm Middleton

Ginger whinger and former Arab Strap miserabilist misanthrope, Malcolm Middleton is a champion of the meloncholy, sucking the joy out of life with his brooding, bleak yet wryly genius observations of life's general shitness. The notorious stygian ging gloom of Arab Strap's output - courtesy also of beardy bandmate Adrian Moffat - neatly surmised the occasionally fraught aspects of being a carrottop: the sexual frustration, the outsider status, the persecution complex, the urge to get pissed up. In fact Middleton is probably getting pished and not having sex as you read this. Age, and the end of Arab Strap, has not quenched his urge to moan about stuff, and his solo work is a testy testament to the uselessness of getting out of bed every morning. He is foxy and from Falkirk.

Left: Malcolm Middleton, thinking about having a pint and a ride, but will probably only get one of those things.

Dave Kitson

Beanpole scarlet striker Dave Kitson has showcased his immaculately coiffeured orange barnet to the top clubs in the nether regions of the English Premier League, and added a much needed soupcon of ging to the otherwise uniformly bland football horizon. His eye for goal has sadly been poked recently after a lamentable spell at rough-and-tumble neanderthals Stoke City, whose lumpen brand of prehistoric tactics held no truck with the silken skills and finesse of Big Red Kitson. Despite his big money move, he was dolorous at his new home, and quickly returned to Reading, his natural abode. It was here, during a lightening spell of goal poaching, that his bloodshot bouffant came to the attention of England supremo Fabio Capello, who almost, almost, called him into the squad. But he didn't in the end.

Right: Dave Kitson, goading norm-hairs in the stand after scoring a winner and silencing their anti-bronzeballs chanting.

Paul Bettany

Foppish crimson dandy Paul Bettany is a London actor scallywag, famed for his roles in clunkers such as Wimbledon and The Da Vinci Code. Such artistic failures are easily forgiven here on Ginger Adonis however, as Bettany is a certified foxy, freckled ledgehammer. His wan complexion and invisible eyebrows have not stopped him from landing statuesque fucksocket Jennifer Connolly as his better half, with whom he has knocked out a cherry-haired cherub, faithfully doing his bit to save the ginger gene from extinction. Bettany was formerly addicted to cocaine, which puts him in that cool cache of assorted rock nobs, writers and blowhards, but with red hair.

Right: Paul Bettany just about squeezing into a shot of a freshly painted blue wall