Archy Marshall

Cherubic redtop whippersnapper Archy Marshall aka Zoo Kid is a Lahndahn scallywag who resembles Tilda Swinton after raiding her grandad's wardrobe with the snarl and swagger of a hungover Joe Jackson and a quiff to make La Roux fire off a cease and desist order. And he's only sixteen which makes him some sort of parallel universe Justin Bieber - a Justin Gingber if you will, who, instead of getting chased by scores of prepubescent, screeching, tweentards, while singing sugary pop earaches, chooses to stand in a room alone with a weird old woman and a dog, crooning in an affected, gruff, growl about a doomed romance with, presumably, some normhaired bint. Y'see, gings do fatalist misanthropy better than anyone else - and sixteen-year-old redballs here has a lot better grip on life's gloomy ability to grind you into the ground than the squarehaired Bieber and his cheery barfpool of wonderment. This Kid's all right.

Below: Zoo Kid ponders what 'Ginger Adonis' is in cockney rhyming slang.